Patching Holes in the Soul

Holes in the soul

Make me think of cake

And

Books

Maybe

Cake and books together with a coffee and

Something else

Maybe a shirt

Or shoes

Shoes are always good

Holes in my soul

Holes in my pockets

Everything slips right through

Spare change

Clink

Clink

Clink

Hitting the pavement

Break into a trot

Don’t think

Sweat instead

Faster

Faster

Trying to outrun

The hungry beast

That dogs my steps

Barking

Howling

In times past

I used to swallow a glass of wine

Or

Two

But they would slip right through

Splash through the holes

Leaky bucket

Couldn’t carry a tune

Even if I whistled real hard

And smiled

Through my teeth

Holes in my soul

Stitches

Neat

Neat

Neat

Stop

Rethread  the needle

Carefully match the hue

So no one can see the patches

Nor see what made them

Those holes in the soul

They’re a private thing

If you show them to the world

Where the light creeps in

Then you let them know

How to put the holes

The holes in your soul

I was looking through my drafts this morning and found this poem written 2017 when I had made the decision to give up alcohol.

And was trying to stick to it. Addiction really is a leaky bucket – and you think you can cure one thing with another but then that becomes something else you have to extract yourself from.

But the only way out is through and carefully – with your eyes wide open and observing and supporting yourself – like a friend. You really need to be your own friend because nobody else will have the energy to stay with you. When people with depression say they are tired – they are exhausted – this is why – the energy of fighting an internal war that only shows up as a smile on the outside.

Nobody out there will save you. You have to be your own best friend, you have to do the work of sitting beside yourself when you’re anxious, when you’re scared when you’re angry and when you become so overwhelmed with all the grief and regret that you held on to for maybe a lifetime – this is raw and scary stuff.

People use all sorts of things to numb themselves, to distract rather than begin to discover their holes, patch themselves up – this whole world is becoming like a piece of Swiss cheese as we all live outside of our means and consume far too much just trying to make ourselves numb.

Because eventually the micro becomes the macro and as we destroy ourselves so we are destroying the world.

Deep for a Sunday morning

When people are going off to church to hear someone else’s truth

And missing the point of their own

Just more holiness

You might well be difficult to sit beside for awhile – but you must – you must comfort yourself and love yourself unconditionally. And you will inch by inch patch all those holes.

And it is so worth it

Because there is nothing like being able to live in a strong skin and a soul with no holes and enjoy the moments

As they tick by

With no craving for a needle and thread

Or anything

2 thoughts on “Patching Holes in the Soul

  1. “Four thousand holes in Blackburn, Lancashire…” It actually takes a village of like minded people to get through it. You can take that to the bank.

    Ray
    Sobriety date: April 3, 1992

    Liked by 1 person

    • I think no matter how many people you have around – and you’re right – they are important – you’ve still got to make the voice in your head a kind one. 3rd April, 1992 – that’s a long time patching holes Ray – I value your voice so much.

      Like

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