Candles are made to burn

I wondered today

How a candle feels

When it sits without flame

Is it cold

When it is not on purpose?

Because that’s how I feel

Sapped

Worthless

Small

Doubtful

I know I cannot burn all the time

Wax runs hot

Wax runs out

The souls of the ancestors offer battle cries

And say

Don’t get too full of yourself

Because you’ll feel empty

When you make a mistake

And that person

Who is not Kate

Suddenly exits the building

Dusting their hands

The ego is not fond of mistakes

Puffs smoke rings in the corner

And turns into a marauder

Viciously whispering

Your not going to make it at this game

You’re a fool for even trying

And even though I know it’s lying

The words twist their way into bowels

The bowels don’t like fear

They flip and flop in there

like restless snakes

All the things I ate

While I was burning

Returning

To bite me

Castigate the loss of discipline

I listened to Leonard today

It’s torn

Or

All torn

Whichever it was

I played it several times

Over and over

It was so good

And I’m just not that good

When the ego is around

It jumps

At every sound and hears thunderstorms

On the other side of the continent

Brings me news of trouble ahead

It’s all in

My

Head

Yet still it brews there

Tea flake concerns

Toss and turn

Never settling

And even the thought itself

Though vastly riveting

Fear of Failure

Pales and fades if I sit long enough

Am I willing to feel this emotion

I pretend

Just to scare myself fully

It’s three weeks after publishing and the analytics show

The dear SEO

That it’s hardly been opened

This is me

Status quo

A failure

Can I sit with the shit

And let the smell invade my nose

Pour down my throat

Kick to the guts on the way through

The old stomach snakes

Intestines swirling

Let the vile odour that is self loathing seep

Deep in my bones

And quietly watch it

Not struggle

Not run away

I have nowhere to pour myself into

Anyway

Flush it down the sink

So I must sit

Let this toxic vibration move through me

Well it can’t kill me

I’ve proven that

Over and over

And after awhile

A long while

I see

That nothing is a failure

If one can sit

With it

Long enough

To turn it into knowledge

Ackowledge

At least I had a go

I now know more

Then a month ago

So much more

Then a month ago

So

Nothing is as bad as the ego makes it

And of course eventually the ego falls asleep

It’s bored

And I light a candle

Watch the little wick sputter and burn

I fancy I hear a sigh of pure happiness

Because

We candles just love to burn

*I have been literally (like literally literally) I’m sorry are you getting it?

Where was I? oh yes on fire creative wise since I announced I was going to publish a magazine by the end of the month.

I have been buzzing happy laughing warm outgoing cheery and generally a lovely person to live inside and be around.

Tonight it came crashing down and I had no idea why.

Then I realised I was taking such massive steps instigating so much change and action that my dear little lizard brain that hates change and fears everything was freaking out

It wanted me to stop pursuing change immediately

Stop the laughing

Stop the fun

Stop all this damn growing

Now

And revert

Trouble is – I know who this sucker is now

Bloody scaredy cat sneaking around in my brain and the minute I listen to it I lose everything

If I go back in my box

Make my dreams go back in theirs

And close the lid

All just to be some kind of sad comfortable

Then I may as well go get a rope from the shed

Honestly

I can’t go back to hiding

I would rather go down in a glorious ball of flaming embarrassment

Which I am brave enough these days to sit with too – emotions can’t kill you they just make you feel something for awhile

They are directed by thoughts

It’s a bit of work

And now I’m all good

I’m not on fire

I need a sleep

And tomorrow

We shall recommence this living dream

Final thought

If it’s all just a dream anyway

May as well have some fun

Also the magazine will not fail

It is shaping up to be

Beautiful, at least to me

And I’ll save this in drafts

To remember

Creating isn’t all

Flowers and sunshine

For the little bee

But it is a great deal of the time

And that honey tastes so good

It’s just bloody worth it

*Header photo Gregory Pappas Unsplash.

17 thoughts on “Candles are made to burn

    • It was a stream of consciousness that I just followed to the end Katy and no I won’t be going backwards too much work gone down now – it’s interesting how the creative process is up up up down up up so thought I would post it to remind me 😊

  1. Is that called burning the candle at both ends, Kate? I love Leonard Cohen if it that was the Leonard you were referring to. My favourite song of his “If you want it darker”
    Magnified, sanctified, be thy holy name
    Vilified, crucified, in the human frame
    A million candles burning for the help that never came
    You want it darker.

    A million candles burning for the help that never came. Hang in there, Kate.

    • I love it you want it darker too Len – I’ve been listening to him while walking the dogs with my ear phones in and I think that is the only way to listen so that every word is like a revelation. Such a poet! I have a beauty blogger plus size coming on board in the magazine and was listing to “Its torn” so damn appropriate. I’m loving the process of writing this magazine and have settled into a rhythm now – that post was written a couple of day’s ago when I fell in a funk one night. The old brain doesn’t like change but luckily there is an over rise button 😊

  2. “Come gather the pieces all scattered and lost
    The lie in what’s holy, the light in what’s not
    The story’s been written, the letter’s been sealed
    You gave me a lily, but now it’s a field”……
    That feeling of elation when the stars align, you meet an expectation you never thought you were even worthy to make, the words swirl, the creativity buzzes, you walk on air because it was meant to be ~like the climax of that 14er you never thought you could climb. You got this. You always have. And there will always be those days….it’s just that way with artists. 💚🤗

  3. I can relate to this Kate, loved reading it, and this line “emotions can’t kill you they just make you feel something for awhile”, so true. Yes, you definitely found it out now, you got this 👌😊

  4. I loved the line when you described how all the self-doubt was ‘like restless snakes” in your intestines. I can relate. Yes, candles are meant to burn, so keep burning. I enjoy reading your work.

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