For so long I missed you
Small hands tucked in mine
I missed your strangling hugs
And deep clinging love
The way you wanted to be wherever I was
You filled my ears with a thousand clever questions
For so long I looked back with slithers of regret
Shards of sharp ripe feeling
I wished I could have that time again and again, so I could truly relish every single minute
Childhood mine, yours, so fleeting
Now I do not
Instead I see the beauty in what I have got
If what you sew is what you reap
I truly sewed wonder, watered it with some sort of miracle
I look at you in awe of who you have become
I no longer look back
I look around
And am deeply grateful
If I died, I die happy, complete
knowing you can both stand on your own two feet
And stand tall, complete now, individual journeys unfolding
In profoundest dark
I lay beneath stars
the sound of my own breath breaking the deep silence
Watch the satellites circle, a star burning out a million light years away,
Its death witnessed in this milisecond of my life
I study the dark shapes of leaves being blown about as I snuggle deeper in my covers
I think of mothers everywhere
Of my own, her spirit calling me forward
Her life, her death and all she taught me
Drifting like storm blown trees, the thoughts bend and weave through my mind
We are here so briefly
Two thirds of a life freely given to others
This last one I take for myself
A soft snore rings out, a metre away, another exhausted mother, pulled between two generations
I kidnapped her earlier and made her come away with me
I hope the starlight is reenergising her as it is me
This evening we walked the perimeter of our little island
Saying “isn’t it beautiful” at least a hundred times
Our souls restored by the greatest of matriarchs
The first mother
Tonight we sleep in her arms
Two females crashed across her earthern chest
We will fill, power restored
Yet like women everywhere – we are jugs that pour
Emptying ourselves into those around us
We lean exhausted
This time I’ll be more measured
Try and make my energy last
And then I smother a soft laugh
Of course, now I know how, I can always come back
*where do you go to restore your soul? I go to nature. As a child I was always gone, sliding through the gap in the tall perimeter fence, bare feet dusty, dodging prickles, headed for the creek. Shoes took too long to put on, my nose was often bare to the sun – a red streak, constantly peeling.
Freckles dotted my face and uncovered skin like a thousand kisses from an adoring mother, and the bush was more often my mother than my own, she was so distracted in caring for her own.
As women we care. We care for our own children, I have two sons. I adore them. From tiny to men they light up my heart when I see their familiar form walk into a room.
We care for our parents as they grow older, become infirm. The strong hands that once guided us grow thin skinned and fragile. We are compelled to soften, to once again become unselfish. Pouring our love and time, energy into the generation above even while we are also tipping our jugs into our own young.
It is a time of life that comes to many. It mostly falls to the women. We nourish, become even less and more as we dissolve into whatever everyone needs.
And at some point nerves become thin, hearts aching and there is no one to turn to that can hold us, fill us with the sort of power we need – except nature.
Anyone else would take even more before they give, but nature just gives and gives and gives
A few photos from a quick spontaneous trip to Mother with a spirit sister soul mate on the week-end
I woke early thanks to the family of kookaburras that came flying through like bombers, landed on a tree nearby, opened their chests, lifted their beaks and laughed into the sky.
I felt their raucous warbles in my own ribs and smiled. Deep in my swag, trying to be quiet so I didn’t wake my friend, I watched the stars fade and every layer of colour stroked like fresh paint washed canvas. I’m sure such beauty does something to the human psyche – something we cannot really articulate because it is injected directly beneath our skin. Like drained devices, we plug in and load up until our smiles become easy again.
I keep a camping, hiking, biking, cupboard. It has everything neatly arranged and labelled. From decision to stepping into my car or onto the bike, takes about half an hour. Tip for the day – get organised, keep a list of everything you need and have it organised so that it’s easy to go. Take more trips to nature, all of life will meet you there.