I wondered today
How a candle feels
When it sits without flame
Is it cold
When it is not on purpose?
Because that’s how I feel
Sapped
Worthless
Small
Doubtful
I know I cannot burn all the time
Wax runs hot
Wax runs out
The souls of the ancestors offer battle cries
And say
Don’t get too full of yourself
Because you’ll feel empty
When you make a mistake
And that person
Who is not Kate
Suddenly exits the building
Dusting their hands
The ego is not fond of mistakes
Puffs smoke rings in the corner
And turns into a marauder
Viciously whispering
Your not going to make it at this game
You’re a fool for even trying
And even though I know it’s lying
The words twist their way into bowels
The bowels don’t like fear
They flip and flop in there
like restless snakes
All the things I ate
While I was burning
Returning
To bite me
Castigate the loss of discipline
I listened to Leonard today
It’s torn
Or
All torn
Whichever it was
I played it several times
Over and over
It was so good
And I’m just not that good
When the ego is around
It jumps
At every sound and hears thunderstorms
On the other side of the continent
Brings me news of trouble ahead
It’s all in
My
Head
Yet still it brews there
Tea flake concerns
Toss and turn
Never settling
And even the thought itself
Though vastly riveting
Fear of Failure
Pales and fades if I sit long enough
Am I willing to feel this emotion
I pretend
Just to scare myself fully
It’s three weeks after publishing and the analytics show
The dear SEO
That it’s hardly been opened
This is me
Status quo
A failure
Can I sit with the shit
And let the smell invade my nose
Pour down my throat
Kick to the guts on the way through
The old stomach snakes
Intestines swirling
Let the vile odour that is self loathing seep
Deep in my bones
And quietly watch it
Not struggle
Not run away
I have nowhere to pour myself into
Anyway
Flush it down the sink
So I must sit
Let this toxic vibration move through me
Well it can’t kill me
I’ve proven that
Over and over
And after awhile
A long while
I see
That nothing is a failure
If one can sit
With it
Long enough
To turn it into knowledge
Ackowledge
At least I had a go
I now know more
Then a month ago
So much more
Then a month ago
So
Nothing is as bad as the ego makes it
And of course eventually the ego falls asleep
It’s bored
And I light a candle
Watch the little wick sputter and burn
I fancy I hear a sigh of pure happiness
Because
We candles just love to burn
*I have been literally (like literally literally) I’m sorry are you getting it?
Where was I? oh yes on fire creative wise since I announced I was going to publish a magazine by the end of the month.
I have been buzzing happy laughing warm outgoing cheery and generally a lovely person to live inside and be around.
Tonight it came crashing down and I had no idea why.
Then I realised I was taking such massive steps instigating so much change and action that my dear little lizard brain that hates change and fears everything was freaking out
It wanted me to stop pursuing change immediately
Stop the laughing
Stop the fun
Stop all this damn growing
Now
And revert
Trouble is – I know who this sucker is now
Bloody scaredy cat sneaking around in my brain and the minute I listen to it I lose everything
If I go back in my box
Make my dreams go back in theirs
And close the lid
All just to be some kind of sad comfortable
Then I may as well go get a rope from the shed
Honestly
I can’t go back to hiding
I would rather go down in a glorious ball of flaming embarrassment
Which I am brave enough these days to sit with too – emotions can’t kill you they just make you feel something for awhile
They are directed by thoughts
It’s a bit of work
And now I’m all good
I’m not on fire
I need a sleep
And tomorrow
We shall recommence this living dream
Final thought
If it’s all just a dream anyway
May as well have some fun
Also the magazine will not fail
It is shaping up to be
Beautiful, at least to me
And I’ll save this in drafts
To remember
Creating isn’t all
Flowers and sunshine
For the little bee
But it is a great deal of the time
And that honey tastes so good
It’s just bloody worth it
*Header photo Gregory Pappas Unsplash.
