They sit heavily
Sharp bones protruding
Digging into my shoulders where they alight and come to rest
One after the other, weighing me down
The things I shouldn’t have said
Shouldn’t have done
Shouldn’ts are heavy and sharp for sure
But there are things that trouble me even more
Keeping me awake, eyes to the ceiling
I watch them arrive until down they dive
down
down
burrowing into my chest
Levering my squeezed heart aside
Nestling into those hollow places with sighs
that have me turning over and facing the wall of my own creation
They are the shoulds I should have done
And they dig at me yet
Yet
Yet
There is still time
To take this weight from my chest
And start doing all the shoulds, before they become regrets
Slowly I begin to weed them
out of my chest
write them down
a blank box beside their name
which this year I will tick, tick, tick away
*Each and every box. Tick.
We really have no concept of how long our life is. How can we, when helicopters collide, and storm blown trees land on cars with people inside and young French tourists go for an evening swim in seemingly calm water, fall into a rip and are pulled out to sea and drown. How do we prepare for the unseen hand that sweeps us off the chess board mid move? (By the way, all of these things which I just described happened on the coast where we were holidaying. In a few short weeks, so many tragic deaths, a serious edge to our summer tans.
How do we pray that things won’t happen, when we have no idea of how to list every single possible calamity that might occur?
It is easy to become stuck between should do and should have done. It is a space that could be described as a rock and hard place. It’s a negative space, looking back in regret, forward with anxiety and all around to ensure that nothing is coming before we place a foot on the road (only to realise we forgot to look up) oh no!
The pandemic carried a hidden curse that seems to have affected so many of us – trepidation. A general feeling of uneasiness.
I know personally, it stopped me blithely travelling off by myself into the unknown as I usually do. I didn’t name it as such. Just said, as many of us do, “I’m too busy”. But looking back – I think it was more that the world felt about as certain as molasses.
It still does.
But I have this sheet of paper in my journal from last year covered with should’s. And I don’t feel like adding to it anymore or ever again. It feels like the saddest sort of writing I’ve ever done.
It isn’t a roadmap for moving forward is it? They say life is a journey, which at the very least implies movement of some kind. I’m ready to head out and see what is around the next bend. Harbours are safe and all that, but sailing ships aren’t built for harbours, as the saying goes.
A metaphor my family seems to have taken literally; they have booked me on a cruise to the South Pacific in March, with a group of writers for a series of mentoring sessions and workshops. It was a lovely yet inexplicable surprise present. I have never been on (or even considered taking) a cruise before. What does a non drinking, contemplative soloist do on a ship jamb packed with people intent on partying?
Well they attend writing workshops all day and go ashore at intermittent times throughout the voyage to have adventures in interesting foreign countries it seems. I’m excited and curious, which beats being anxious about vague shadows and possible wars and planetary melt downs. There is a lot I could overthink to be sure. But it makes my head hurt trying to get around all the possibilities of mayhem that could occur. There are millions and that is just the ones that I have thought of . Yes I’ve considered that the ship could get nuked by Russia or some other bully flexing their muscle – it was sadly not very far down my list of doomsday thoughts. My husband then suggested when I brought that up, that perhaps the rest of the world may implode and only the people on the ship survive – like some weird Noahs ark (I instantly felt like that would be a great story and my brain began constructing chapter one)
Yesterday evening after a very busy day, as I read my book and my husband his iPad, he announced “Icehouse is playing in Brisbane – we should go”
There was that word…
Should…
Anyway I thought it a brilliant idea and quietly booked tickets. And the hotel. And then told him.
He was surprised, but pleased.
No more shoulds.
If we want to do. Do. If we want to go. Go. If we want to be. Be.
“There is no try, either do or don’t” I believe that could be Yoda? And he would say something similar about shoulds.
Also – have you noticed we wear our shoulds on our shoulders, or at least it feels like that sometimes. Shoulder actually has the word should contained within it. Something I found intriguing when I began thinking about shoulds.
That’s the thought for the day, thanks for reading.
At least I won’t have to think “I should have written a blog post” 🙂
Done. Tick. See you tomorrow, have a great day,
Header photo courtesy Inge Poelman Unsplash
