“Well I just don’t feel that strongly
It’s so messy
I don’t understand why you are so passionate“
And the cold fish backs away hastily
A look of horror on their face
Tears for a sunset
Are out of place
Depth is so deep
And shallow so much safer
And their mind has never been so painful
That they have tried to crawl away from it
They cling to control like a dressing gown, drawn in snug, belt pulled tight
And when one day they suddenly realise that control is an illusion
These are the ones who break
Badly
*I recall many years ago, being in a painful place within myself. Everywhere I turned, there were sharp things that drew blood. And let me tell you, psychical pain is far more difficult to bear than physical pain. You can take a painkiller for a headache but a heartache must simply be born – it takes time to heal and in order to do so, it must be set free to do whatever it has to do.
If that means singing Scottish dirges loudly with siblings or dancing when no one is singing or breaking not very neatly or nicely.
Do it
This is how the heart heals – it feels
And it just takes you along for the ride.
There are people that apply alcohol, drugs, distraction like bandages and heat packs. I had tried alcohol and frankly I just couldn’t get enough. It became clear that my bandage wasn’t working. So I ripped it off and resolved to use only truth and awareness as a salve to the wounds.
Which is like taking vinegar and pouring it directly into a shattered femur.
But it cleans everything very very well
Control is an illusion. As a recovering control freak (see addict) I know this. There are people that never seem to experience the highs and lows of life, and I used to be so envious of their complacent attitudes.
They seemed to have all of their shit together .
Well, I heard the sound of one of those complacent people breaking the other day. It wasn’t pretty, she had no sense of humour (see resilience) and she could not get back up. She went to the doctor, is now on comfort drugs and still she doesn’t have an up. She may never find her up.
Which is very sad
I have had downs but I have always had ups. And nowadays the boat sails smoothly because I don’t cling and micro manage and I know I am my own up.
I don’t envy the complacent anymore
And I love the poets because poetry saved me, and I know it’s saving them
For what is poetry but truth and feelings singing in rapturous harmony?
Because we cry at sunsets and laugh in the wild wind, and we take deep breaths of life and smile
And our tears make our worlds a better place. We must have rain and sunshine in equal amounts. It is how we grow.
And now, if that cold fish said to me “your family is just so emotional, we don’t get so emotional in our family” I would smile and not be hurt. Because being able to contain feelings like an atom bomb that ignites but does not destroy – is a strength. It’s a God given strength – so don’t feel silly when you cry or laugh or weep or sing or fall, because all that brings you to earth, builds you realer than real. For you, life is truly beautiful.
Written 7/4/22
