The futility of wondering in other peoples heads

Don’t wonder out of other peoples heads.

People do this all the time, I used to do this all the time – it is called assuming. And it is a process that is seriously flawed if you reach a conclusion based on this wondering and then turn the assumption (which is all you have really arrived at) into fact. Wondering about other people in a concerned kind of caring way is fine. Wondering what they think of you is just selfish – that isn’t kind at all.

But we do it.

Would you wonder about a maths solution in another person’s head? God I wish! Wouldn’t that be cool just sitting in class and wondering out of someone elses head – no study, no work – just wonder over there and write over here. But that is ridiculous. No – you would ask the person for their help with your maths problem. This is the intelligent way to behave – got a question? Ask.

Yet we do it. We wonder.

We wonder about what we might look like from another person’s perspective. Then based on how that person behaves around other people, what they say about other people, what they do themselves – we arrive at an assumption – and call it fact.

Yet it is not. Fact. It is an assumption.

Wondering out of another person’s head is so stupidly flawed as a process that it is a wonder (this is an actual wonder) that anybody bothers to use it as a system anyway. Yet self doubters do this all the time – with disastrous results! This is a small sample of what that looks like.

You bump into A you don’t really know A because A will only show you the socially prepared mask that they have unconsciously or consciously prepared  to whomever they think you are.  A is lovely, A is toxic. You have already formed your own opinion about A based on what someone else said (flawed!) or your own time spent mingling with them now and then.

A may trust you enough to let you get a pretty good glimpse of themselves because they feel comfortable with you – and more importantly themselves – but they may not. A is having a bad day – this is not their best day to be bumped into. A may like you but A doesn’t like themselves very much so their mask might look a little cranky – or distracted – or …A may not see you at all. Get over A. A is completely different to you anyway – A is a different personality type – not yours. They weren’t raised like you, taught like you or have been through what you have been through – research on their wondering mind through your wondering mind may as well be anyone and who the hell has that much time.

A is anyone. A is everyone and A may not only not see you – they may not even be thinking of you and probably aren’t. But it is our little world and we think everyone is. Um no they are not.

So that is the first problem with caring what the general populace think. They aren’t actually thinking about you. This is the point where you are supposed to sigh and collapse with relief. Perhaps you arrived here long ago and are slightly amused by me bothering to explain it but….lets not wonder about why I am doing something out of a head that is in fact…not my own or yours – have I lost you yet? If I have or bored you – good that is what this process looks like and is the point I am trying to make. It is pointless and boring yet ….

When we forget we do it we may go a little crazy for a minute – so we should write it down so we don’t forget it.

So now you’re wondering about me – or your not. Is she crazy? No I don’t think so but thanks for asking oh you didn’t that was me. So! W e still haven’t got the point – I have actually got the point – did a long time ago but!  You didn’t ask me so you keep wondering and I’ll keep wondering if you are still wondering….

So since we seem to be revolving in circles because that is what wondering from other peoples heads looks like and I am merely trying to demonstrate – I shall take you further down the rabbit hole – “Follow me says the White Rabbit” What’s that? Read more FFS (I didn’t swear there – you did or perhaps I am assuming hmmm) It is Alice in Wonderland and that! Is what wondering in other peoples minds looks like – welcome to Wonderland.

Righto so now while we are down here  we will take a look at B.

B is someone you know – really well. Or you think you do. You see them all the time and get on great. You should know B – you really should. You don’t. B is a beautiful individual who has a whole host of B that they don’t show to people not even their besties. They can’t – B doesn’t even know what they possess inside their own selves because B is to busy to look. Or has and is just not interested in showing you. That is cool because you and B get each other don’t you? Of course you do – you don’t go wondering in each others heads because hearts know what hearts know. So they don’t bother with heads.

And then there is C family and D family in law and E and….? Relax – chill – don’t worry about them I know they reckon they know you and you think you know them but! The fact is they probably don’t – neither do you and half of them won’t care either but we won’t wonder about it because then we start assuming and wind up with a fact that may in fact – annoy or hurt us and we really have no idea so …get back in your own self Family mind is the worst kind of mind to wander in – sorry wonder.

The interior of a person is vast – enormous. People who go bothering to look at themselves can take years and years which is why America and no doubt every country that has people in it, who  have enough cash to pay others to look at themselves – has a gigantic amount of money spent every year with support people helping people to go looking at themselves.

Which is a bit ridiculous when you can just do a bit of investigating yourself if you are so inclined because wondering about yourself out of your own head isn’t selfish. It is the opposite of selfish it is un selfish because you are trying to figure out how to love yourself and once you do that of course as the every great teacher from our past from Jesus to Buddha to Lao Tzu  says in their own unique fashion – then and only then can we turn that love on the world and keep the beam strong and true.

Which is nice isn’t … and no I’m not there yet – I fall in and out of love with myself all the time so I’m a work in progress …in case you’re wondering. What I do do is keep my wondering self in my own self – it is a danger to itself out there.

Most people won’t go looking in their own heads though and they probably shouldn’t because if you go poking about in there without the correct motivation and method – you’ll just get it wrong and wind up hating yourself which is why with burnt fingers and cringe burn – people withdraw and instead wonder out of other peoples heads. Or just because they are lazy. Or because they don’t know any better.  Or because…

We could go on for ages but we won’t because wondering about other people is an endless piece of string. Wondering through other peoples heads – is an even longer piece of string. You may as well wonder what the stars think or count them. What is the point?

It would be far more helpful to wonder through your own head. Once you start doing this the string is still endless but at least you are making decisions and plans from your own point of view.

Wondering through your own head is not pointless. It is the opposite of pointless it is purpose. That is why people who have a purpose and are on track and driven from their own heads – not others – rarely worry about what other people think. Did Mother Theresa worry about what other people think? No. Did Ghandi – no. They just had love to do and they did it. And that is an important point. People who seem to be selfishly driven are probably selfishly driven but…that is what their head feels is right so why would you wonder about why? It’s their head not yours you rude bugger get out of their way because without a doubt if you stay there they will run you over.

Love is love. It is not selfishness. Wondering from your own head is not selfishness. It is merely loving yourself in your head. Which is very intelligent if you consider the alternative. Why would you bring that muck home on your shoe and then walk it all through your lovely space?

If you see something in there you don’t love – fix it. As I mentioned before (in a post further back) sometimes if you can’t see what you don’t love in yourself you should look to where you feel judged by others – are they right? If not – why do you feel judged. You can only feel judged in the sense that it hurts you – if you agree with it. If someone actually says something to you (well done that person for being so brave many are not!) that they think about you then you have the chance to respond. If it is something you agree with and it and it makes you upset – fix it. If it is something that you don’t agree with – laugh – they are so deluded that they have been obviously wondering or in fact wandering out of their own heads.

Dear one do this – do your love and keep your wondering in your own head and out of other peoples. There are some very messed up heads out there and they are dangerous places to wander in. There are some very lovely ones too – but you don’t need them for a pick me up if you have your own peaceful place to relax.

Make it comfy in there – decorate it with beautiful books and learning – put up photos of loved ones. It can get difficult to stay there if you aren’t in the habit but…it’s nice in there why go out? We all need a little reminding sometimes about how beautiful our own souls are to live in. Life gets frantic. Here is your reminder – this post is for you and for me. You are beautiful – go home, home to yourself and just do your thing – whatever it is I’m sure it will be just fine for you. I wonder if I should go and do some yoga? Nice one that is a better wonder to have and yes do that and have a green tea too or wine or whatever you want – do what you want. Do just whatever you want that is best for you and feels right. Which is nice isn’t it in a world that is always telling us to change – our weight, our looks, stay young – don’t get old. Eat this, don’t eat that… yes it is very wearying – do what you want.

Finally – perhaps this helps the more aggressive ones, the ones that don’t curl up and do cocoa and a book – I don’t understand that – books and cocoa are great but …Just think of it like this…Wondering out of other peoples heads is like driving through a wildlife safari park – the sign says “stay in the car” believe me stay in the car!

Stay in your head your heart your soul – and don’t go wandering about.

The Importance of Gaps

And gaps are important.

Thinking happens in the gaps.

Change happens in the gaps.

Sometimes big changes – sometimes small – depends on the gap …and the change.

I’ve been away again. I have been away a lot this year. As much as possible and I don’t feel guilty at all about it because for years – well just lets say it was hard for me to get away spontaneously or otherwise – this year was different.

I decided at the start of the year to make this set of 12 months, 52 weeks different. Month to month, week to week, day to day. I made conscious efforts to open a space for growth to occur because in order for growth to occur – we have to change, be different. Do different. And we need space and time away from our normal lives and the pigeon hole boxes people like to contain us in, that we contain ourselves in, in order for that to happen.

If I look back on my personal Instagram account I see trips away – both with family and without and for all sorts of different reasons. The common denominator being in so many of the photos – away.

Away from home. Away from safe harbour. Out on the sea of life – somewhere different. Seeing new things, thinking new things, feeling new things, doing new things – renewing – over and over.

Over the last 12 months, I have ridden to many beautiful interesting spots for camping or sight seeing but mainly just to be alone and explore.

I have flown away on business but included leisure activities that were challenging or just things that I decided on the spur of the moment might be a cool thing to do.

I drove for hours into the north west to do a challenge run that I had built myself up for over three months of running every day.  I drove away with my younger son for a 24 hour round trip that added significantly to his Learners logbook but also to our relationship.

I read differently – not that this is a great change – I always read differently. But I did read many new books. Which – as always – made me think differently.

I ate differently. For seven months I was Vegan. For the last three months Feggan (made up word of course – I basically added in fish and eggs now and then). And now…now well that is another blog post.

I did differently – sometimes with pretty disastrous results but nothing I couldn’t dust myself down from and keep on keeping on.

The odd part is that none of it was particularly planned. The only goal was to live differently. After that the Universe showed up and started pointing me in all “different” directions. I have nearly travelled in every direction that a compass swings and in doing so have reset my own true North whilst out on the road.

Things have happened in those “away” gaps but also in those “right here” gaps, when the only thing I was doing differently was deciding to sit on the verandah instead of watching TV at night. Probably because whilst I was sitting there I was reflecting and writing.

This year I kept a continuous journal for the first time and whilst at the start I found the task of writing my thoughts down sometimes tiresome – now it has become compelling and something I love to do.

Journalling has been fundamental to capturing the many shifts in my internal weather pattern. The humble battered book that I carted everywhere has charted everything as it has occurred. The why, the how and the result moving forward.

Without the scrawling away in motel rooms and by campfires and under old trees and on my verandah or on the floor by my bed,  I doubt I would have remembered it all and then this year – like so many other years before it would become a vague sort of blur or memories. Some standing out, some retreating, some forgotten altogether. Along with all the lessons. Which would be a pity. It would be a year wasted.

So this post is about gaps. Finding them in our lives and learning from them. And anyone can do it.

Get out of bed before everyone else. Go to bed later. Don’t watch TV – sit on the verandah or your stairs and watch the sunset. Go to the park, a river – get out in nature. Reflect. Reflect. Think. Be bored, be dreamy. Let your eyes rest on the horizon and then just drift away on a thought train. Put your phone down. Stick it in a cupboard. Turn it off. Walk away. Cancel social media. Cancel all media. Reflect and write down your thoughts – within in weeks if not days you will start to find yourself changing – months down the track you may well be stunned at how different you have become.

It isn’t a matter of being too busy. It is a matter of making time. And it is a matter of priorities.

Make alone time a priority and open the space for fresh potential to slide in.

We listen to so many other voices in our lives but so rarely to our own. It gets lost. Goes silent and eventually we don’t even know who we authentically are anymore. We think we are them – or their opinions or  our own or a lot of other nonsense. When you truly find yourself and start listening – it will become a series of perhaps the greatest and most meaningful conversations you will ever have.

And YOU are right there.

All the time.

Ready and available to listen and talk things through.

It might take awhile but YOU will find you.

You will finally hear your own authentic voice. Not the harrying bitchy scald but the quiet loving soul. Your greatest comfort. Your own home.

It will come for you. It won’t be able to miss you. Or you it.

You’ll find your Self – in the gaps.

 

Photo Header Credit

 

 

 

 

You teach people how you want to be treated

Phone rings – me busy, but …nice – because thats how I do try to be.

Anyway, whirr click “Ello ello” Oh crap it’s a telemarketer and I have ten thousand things to do.

“Yes hello” I reply – still nice but now it is pushed a little further back behind my teeth.

“I am wishing to speak to the owner of the business because from today your landline phone which is…” slight pause in the sales pitch – great! I jump in.

“No thankyou I’m really not interested I only speak to Telstra about my….”

Only thing is we are both talking together and my goodness she is certainly very strident so I give up  talking my end just as she says

“WHAT WHAT WHAT!”

Bloody hell! That’s a bit rude. So I hang up. If she wants to be rude then she can get rude back.

I walk back past my husband who is doing his office work on the verandah and say “well we’ve taught them well – those telemarketers are getting as rude as us Aussies” Kaching! Lightbulb moment.

I’m usually nice to telemarketers – I try to be at least polite as I tell them that I’m not interested in listening or buying or changing phone plans. Pesky Karma see – don’t want to touch that hot stove more than I have to. I have been guilty of the odd sigh and telling them I’ll put them through to the boss and hanging up on them because I am the Boss and I just don’t have time to be talking to someone about my phone.

But I am not rude, mainly due to a funny conversation with an Indian guy one day a few years ago which humanised them for me.

This is what happened.

So imagine Raj from Big Bangs voice. Raj begins his sales pitch introducing himself as Arthur and then asks for my name and because I am in a funny mood and not frantically busy I tell him it’s Cinderella . “No” it is not he says, just a bit peeved with my humour. Then he says very seriously “you shouldn’t lie about your name it is very wrong to lie” so I said he shouldn’t ask for my name when he is a stranger and didn’t he know that was wrong?

And back and forth with the “well you shouldn’ts etc” we go. I refuse to be pushed around by some telemarketer but am still in a funny mood so I say “well I’ll give you my name if you tell me what yours is because I don’t believe it is Arthur”. (They use Anglo names to try and seem more like the guy next door – except of course they are not)

“Arthur” is horrified that I would questions his name and call him a liar.  This starts another furious round of debate because he says his name is indeed Arthur and that I am now calling him a liar and that is wrong. But it is getting lighter and lighter because we are both enjoying the conversation which is a bit different from the norm. Finally Raj says he will tell me his real name – I wait. Drumroll.

“My name is…Peter Parker” it takes me two beats into the silence then I say “Oh bull! that’s Spiderman!” and we giggle a great deal. Finally I say “Righto mate hanging up now” and that was that. I didn’t change phone plans but I did change the way I viewed the person on the other end of the phone.

Every time we are rude to a telemarketer (and yes I know they are invasive) – we are telling someone over there that we are rude and nasty over here – plus imagine that job all day – people being rude to you and all you’re trying to do is keep your family alive.

But I realised how we are teaching the people around us too. We are teaching them to be impatient with us, to have no time for us, to be rude to us. Every little thing that we send out as a reaction – is teaching people what we expect back.

When the lady at the checkout is rude and so I become short with her in return – I am not teaching how to be anything but rude with me. So I try instead to be kind, to ask how her day is going. The change sometimes is so amazing that it humbles me. Everybody is carrying a load. The load of being human.

In teaching others how to treat us we create a massive ripple effect each day. Because no one leaves a conversation with us cranky or upset. And they don’t pass those negative emotions on to others either.

After my lightbulb moment the other day with the telemarketer I was even more determined to ensure that no matter how rudely or unkindly someone treats me – I had a choice  not to pass that forward, I also had an opportunity to show that person how I expected to be treated in future.

If we don’t partake in the drama – it doesn’t follow us around and eventually we don’t have to see it anywhere in our vicinity.