The futility of wondering in other peoples heads

Don’t wonder out of other peoples heads.

People do this all the time, I used to do this all the time – it is called assuming. And it is a process that is seriously flawed if you reach a conclusion based on this wondering and then turn the assumption (which is all you have really arrived at) into fact. Wondering about other people in a concerned kind of caring way is fine. Wondering what they think of you is just selfish – that isn’t kind at all.

But we do it.

Would you wonder about a maths solution in another person’s head? God I wish! Wouldn’t that be cool just sitting in class and wondering out of someone elses head – no study, no work – just wonder over there and write over here. But that is ridiculous. No – you would ask the person for their help with your maths problem. This is the intelligent way to behave – got a question? Ask.

Yet we do it. We wonder.

We wonder about what we might look like from another person’s perspective. Then based on how that person behaves around other people, what they say about other people, what they do themselves – we arrive at an assumption – and call it fact.

Yet it is not. Fact. It is an assumption.

Wondering out of another person’s head is so stupidly flawed as a process that it is a wonder (this is an actual wonder) that anybody bothers to use it as a system anyway. Yet self doubters do this all the time – with disastrous results! This is a small sample of what that looks like.

You bump into A you don’t really know A because A will only show you the socially prepared mask that they have unconsciously or consciously prepared  to whomever they think you are.  A is lovely, A is toxic. You have already formed your own opinion about A based on what someone else said (flawed!) or your own time spent mingling with them now and then.

A may trust you enough to let you get a pretty good glimpse of themselves because they feel comfortable with you – and more importantly themselves – but they may not. A is having a bad day – this is not their best day to be bumped into. A may like you but A doesn’t like themselves very much so their mask might look a little cranky – or distracted – or …A may not see you at all. Get over A. A is completely different to you anyway – A is a different personality type – not yours. They weren’t raised like you, taught like you or have been through what you have been through – research on their wondering mind through your wondering mind may as well be anyone and who the hell has that much time.

A is anyone. A is everyone and A may not only not see you – they may not even be thinking of you and probably aren’t. But it is our little world and we think everyone is. Um no they are not.

So that is the first problem with caring what the general populace think. They aren’t actually thinking about you. This is the point where you are supposed to sigh and collapse with relief. Perhaps you arrived here long ago and are slightly amused by me bothering to explain it but….lets not wonder about why I am doing something out of a head that is in fact…not my own or yours – have I lost you yet? If I have or bored you – good that is what this process looks like and is the point I am trying to make. It is pointless and boring yet ….

When we forget we do it we may go a little crazy for a minute – so we should write it down so we don’t forget it.

So now you’re wondering about me – or your not. Is she crazy? No I don’t think so but thanks for asking oh you didn’t that was me. So! W e still haven’t got the point – I have actually got the point – did a long time ago but!  You didn’t ask me so you keep wondering and I’ll keep wondering if you are still wondering….

So since we seem to be revolving in circles because that is what wondering from other peoples heads looks like and I am merely trying to demonstrate – I shall take you further down the rabbit hole – “Follow me says the White Rabbit” What’s that? Read more FFS (I didn’t swear there – you did or perhaps I am assuming hmmm) It is Alice in Wonderland and that! Is what wondering in other peoples minds looks like – welcome to Wonderland.

Righto so now while we are down here  we will take a look at B.

B is someone you know – really well. Or you think you do. You see them all the time and get on great. You should know B – you really should. You don’t. B is a beautiful individual who has a whole host of B that they don’t show to people not even their besties. They can’t – B doesn’t even know what they possess inside their own selves because B is to busy to look. Or has and is just not interested in showing you. That is cool because you and B get each other don’t you? Of course you do – you don’t go wondering in each others heads because hearts know what hearts know. So they don’t bother with heads.

And then there is C family and D family in law and E and….? Relax – chill – don’t worry about them I know they reckon they know you and you think you know them but! The fact is they probably don’t – neither do you and half of them won’t care either but we won’t wonder about it because then we start assuming and wind up with a fact that may in fact – annoy or hurt us and we really have no idea so …get back in your own self Family mind is the worst kind of mind to wander in – sorry wonder.

The interior of a person is vast – enormous. People who go bothering to look at themselves can take years and years which is why America and no doubt every country that has people in it, who  have enough cash to pay others to look at themselves – has a gigantic amount of money spent every year with support people helping people to go looking at themselves.

Which is a bit ridiculous when you can just do a bit of investigating yourself if you are so inclined because wondering about yourself out of your own head isn’t selfish. It is the opposite of selfish it is un selfish because you are trying to figure out how to love yourself and once you do that of course as the every great teacher from our past from Jesus to Buddha to Lao Tzu  says in their own unique fashion – then and only then can we turn that love on the world and keep the beam strong and true.

Which is nice isn’t … and no I’m not there yet – I fall in and out of love with myself all the time so I’m a work in progress …in case you’re wondering. What I do do is keep my wondering self in my own self – it is a danger to itself out there.

Most people won’t go looking in their own heads though and they probably shouldn’t because if you go poking about in there without the correct motivation and method – you’ll just get it wrong and wind up hating yourself which is why with burnt fingers and cringe burn – people withdraw and instead wonder out of other peoples heads. Or just because they are lazy. Or because they don’t know any better.  Or because…

We could go on for ages but we won’t because wondering about other people is an endless piece of string. Wondering through other peoples heads – is an even longer piece of string. You may as well wonder what the stars think or count them. What is the point?

It would be far more helpful to wonder through your own head. Once you start doing this the string is still endless but at least you are making decisions and plans from your own point of view.

Wondering through your own head is not pointless. It is the opposite of pointless it is purpose. That is why people who have a purpose and are on track and driven from their own heads – not others – rarely worry about what other people think. Did Mother Theresa worry about what other people think? No. Did Ghandi – no. They just had love to do and they did it. And that is an important point. People who seem to be selfishly driven are probably selfishly driven but…that is what their head feels is right so why would you wonder about why? It’s their head not yours you rude bugger get out of their way because without a doubt if you stay there they will run you over.

Love is love. It is not selfishness. Wondering from your own head is not selfishness. It is merely loving yourself in your head. Which is very intelligent if you consider the alternative. Why would you bring that muck home on your shoe and then walk it all through your lovely space?

If you see something in there you don’t love – fix it. As I mentioned before (in a post further back) sometimes if you can’t see what you don’t love in yourself you should look to where you feel judged by others – are they right? If not – why do you feel judged. You can only feel judged in the sense that it hurts you – if you agree with it. If someone actually says something to you (well done that person for being so brave many are not!) that they think about you then you have the chance to respond. If it is something you agree with and it and it makes you upset – fix it. If it is something that you don’t agree with – laugh – they are so deluded that they have been obviously wondering or in fact wandering out of their own heads.

Dear one do this – do your love and keep your wondering in your own head and out of other peoples. There are some very messed up heads out there and they are dangerous places to wander in. There are some very lovely ones too – but you don’t need them for a pick me up if you have your own peaceful place to relax.

Make it comfy in there – decorate it with beautiful books and learning – put up photos of loved ones. It can get difficult to stay there if you aren’t in the habit but…it’s nice in there why go out? We all need a little reminding sometimes about how beautiful our own souls are to live in. Life gets frantic. Here is your reminder – this post is for you and for me. You are beautiful – go home, home to yourself and just do your thing – whatever it is I’m sure it will be just fine for you. I wonder if I should go and do some yoga? Nice one that is a better wonder to have and yes do that and have a green tea too or wine or whatever you want – do what you want. Do just whatever you want that is best for you and feels right. Which is nice isn’t it in a world that is always telling us to change – our weight, our looks, stay young – don’t get old. Eat this, don’t eat that… yes it is very wearying – do what you want.

Finally – perhaps this helps the more aggressive ones, the ones that don’t curl up and do cocoa and a book – I don’t understand that – books and cocoa are great but …Just think of it like this…Wondering out of other peoples heads is like driving through a wildlife safari park – the sign says “stay in the car” believe me stay in the car!

Stay in your head your heart your soul – and don’t go wandering about.

You teach people how you want to be treated

Phone rings – me busy, but …nice – because thats how I do try to be.

Anyway, whirr click “Ello ello” Oh crap it’s a telemarketer and I have ten thousand things to do.

“Yes hello” I reply – still nice but now it is pushed a little further back behind my teeth.

“I am wishing to speak to the owner of the business because from today your landline phone which is…” slight pause in the sales pitch – great! I jump in.

“No thankyou I’m really not interested I only speak to Telstra about my….”

Only thing is we are both talking together and my goodness she is certainly very strident so I give up  talking my end just as she says

“WHAT WHAT WHAT!”

Bloody hell! That’s a bit rude. So I hang up. If she wants to be rude then she can get rude back.

I walk back past my husband who is doing his office work on the verandah and say “well we’ve taught them well – those telemarketers are getting as rude as us Aussies” Kaching! Lightbulb moment.

I’m usually nice to telemarketers – I try to be at least polite as I tell them that I’m not interested in listening or buying or changing phone plans. Pesky Karma see – don’t want to touch that hot stove more than I have to. I have been guilty of the odd sigh and telling them I’ll put them through to the boss and hanging up on them because I am the Boss and I just don’t have time to be talking to someone about my phone.

But I am not rude, mainly due to a funny conversation with an Indian guy one day a few years ago which humanised them for me.

This is what happened.

So imagine Raj from Big Bangs voice. Raj begins his sales pitch introducing himself as Arthur and then asks for my name and because I am in a funny mood and not frantically busy I tell him it’s Cinderella . “No” it is not he says, just a bit peeved with my humour. Then he says very seriously “you shouldn’t lie about your name it is very wrong to lie” so I said he shouldn’t ask for my name when he is a stranger and didn’t he know that was wrong?

And back and forth with the “well you shouldn’ts etc” we go. I refuse to be pushed around by some telemarketer but am still in a funny mood so I say “well I’ll give you my name if you tell me what yours is because I don’t believe it is Arthur”. (They use Anglo names to try and seem more like the guy next door – except of course they are not)

“Arthur” is horrified that I would questions his name and call him a liar.  This starts another furious round of debate because he says his name is indeed Arthur and that I am now calling him a liar and that is wrong. But it is getting lighter and lighter because we are both enjoying the conversation which is a bit different from the norm. Finally Raj says he will tell me his real name – I wait. Drumroll.

“My name is…Peter Parker” it takes me two beats into the silence then I say “Oh bull! that’s Spiderman!” and we giggle a great deal. Finally I say “Righto mate hanging up now” and that was that. I didn’t change phone plans but I did change the way I viewed the person on the other end of the phone.

Every time we are rude to a telemarketer (and yes I know they are invasive) – we are telling someone over there that we are rude and nasty over here – plus imagine that job all day – people being rude to you and all you’re trying to do is keep your family alive.

But I realised how we are teaching the people around us too. We are teaching them to be impatient with us, to have no time for us, to be rude to us. Every little thing that we send out as a reaction – is teaching people what we expect back.

When the lady at the checkout is rude and so I become short with her in return – I am not teaching how to be anything but rude with me. So I try instead to be kind, to ask how her day is going. The change sometimes is so amazing that it humbles me. Everybody is carrying a load. The load of being human.

In teaching others how to treat us we create a massive ripple effect each day. Because no one leaves a conversation with us cranky or upset. And they don’t pass those negative emotions on to others either.

After my lightbulb moment the other day with the telemarketer I was even more determined to ensure that no matter how rudely or unkindly someone treats me – I had a choice  not to pass that forward, I also had an opportunity to show that person how I expected to be treated in future.

If we don’t partake in the drama – it doesn’t follow us around and eventually we don’t have to see it anywhere in our vicinity.

How words define us and destroy us

 

 

I’ve been reading a book today.

About humans.

It nearly made me give up on this writing thing – this dreaming thing. This doing thing. Humans are so crazy. On an individual scale it is laughable. On a global scale – as a pack culture – mad and dangerous.

Our brains are so incredibly plastic that we have become…whatever they told us to be. “They” being parents, school, the system, our peers, our very long piece of string that calls down a well and echoes back to us “you are…”.

and whatever that voice, those words say – we become – as long as we are  agreeing with it.

But what if I’m not what they say – or even my own rule book describes. What if I’m just infinite potential. What if our school report read “infinite potential” and it should – because we are.

We have a rule book in our head – written by others. With an addendum added by us. We stick to this mad thing. In spite of everything and …it is never going to change. Everyone is in a dream – their own personal dream and from there they tick and flick against the others that they come up against in life. Worse – they tick and flick against themselves.

I am …no good, not pretty enough, not smart enough, not enough.

She – is a terribly thought provoking woman.  🙂  I am dumb. I am depressed. They are ludicrous. He is disgusting. They are……….what busy minds we have. And with all the judging and the preoccupation with judging  – few think to add to their troubles and do anything out of line – out of sync with the rule books. God no – they judge themselves. And stay small. Because small is easy – large looks messy and .. lawless.

And it all began

With the WORD. Bible – read it – interesting book full of words. Words that have been used to persecute, humble, illuminate, hate, love – control a whole heap of other people that have their own words – their own books. So they push back with their words.

Without words entire wars would not have started.

And people steal words. They put words into another person’s mouth when they assume. When they whisper, when they slander and lie. When they praise, when they raise when they’re humble and they’re kind.

So people steal words. They break words. They use them frivolously. They use them kindly. They use them for peace and diplomacy. What to do about words.

So you see my dilemma as a wordsmith – should I even bother? To add my words into the mad jumble already piling up in the filing cabinets of other peoples minds?

We were wild once – before the domestication. I like that theory. I agree with that theory and had been espousing just that theory all week (which I thought was mine!)to my avidly listening husband (alright I made that up – he was asleep) but that is the point. We are all asleep – we are all asleep – until we wake up and see that. That we are all asleep or just speaking.

Without speech where would we be? Silent and forced into the nuanced  intuitive world of the animal.

How does a cow gossip?

It simply doesn’t bother. God how peaceful must cows be!

Does an owl whisper to itself “Oh no too many feathers – I have to pick skinnier mice – I must go on a diet” God how peaceful must owls be! And yes, very ,very wise.

And because of that their heads are free – spacious, unrestrained by the containers placed around them by words – ours or their own.

Free to live. To truly live.

I look at my dog Bodhi and think – how gorgeous she looks, how bouncy and loving and kind. She doesn’t hear me describe her as any of these things, although she can feel my love when I shine it at her. Why don’t we just shine our approval, our disapproval, our sadness. Instead of saying it – then others won’t get all the useless words that accompany the message. The impatient mother that snaps and lashes out saying “oh for goodness sake you are so vane just pick a dress – lets get moving.” To the child that then worries she is vane as well as all the other things that her thoughtless mother, her teacher, her peers have told her.

Stop putting out lights and hopes and dreams with words and instead start using them to lift the ones around you. To lift yourself. To free yourself. Words are transformative and life changing. Words are magical.Respect the Word be more like the animals.

Animals in their spaciousness heads who live on intuition and the memory of being, doing. Not words. Imagine the hawk simply flying and observing – not telling himself a thousand different stories of success or failure in his head. The Hawk will indeed succeed or fail in its hunt but it won’t tell itself that it was because of the colours of its feathers. The size of its feet. It’s lack of ability. Hawks are hawks and they are just hunting.

Humans are humans and we are just…

Words.

Before words told us who we should be and where we were failing and could do better and should do better and she said and he said an they said – that is a good place to go back to – that first word.

Then cancel it. And instead just be. If people could just be and not be seen to be …lacking, brilliant, amazing, awful, disgraceful.

Then people would be. They would just be.

For what word describes the state of no word.

………………..

Truth.

That is the only thing you can be if you want to be anyone.

You can only be truth. Start from there. Don’t listen to what “everyone” has told you that you can do or can’t do. They are only operating from behind a set of beliefs imprinted on their brain by themselves and their experiences, their “everyone” in their own little world.

What do you love? What do you think? Start thinking for yourself  and not defining yourself by the words you have been told. The containers that you have been given and that you have built around yourself.

The power of words on our psyche is humbling. When I think of all the little kids that were told, are at this moment being told – all sorts of nonsense by hurtful ignorant parents that themselves are damaged. The loss of power and potential in those little ones, the sadness – is heart breaking.

Please instead use your words thoughtfully. What are you saying to others about them and about yourself? You are spreading words. Are they good words? Are they transformative words. All words are transformative. All words are powerful. From second to second millions of lives swing on the word. What they eat. What they drink. How are simple choices damaging the environment? But mostly it is what they think. Mostly what they think. In the own little world of words. In their messed up crammed full head – that is full of words – talking to them.

Do I add to this with my words – my blog now and the book I am writing?

Do I add to it in my own head?

The “what will they think” “what do I think” and I did worry.

Right up to the point where I realised that I was gifted with the power to change someone’s life simply by them reading my words. This is what my original intention was with doing this blog. I wanted to help someone, everyone see that they are beautiful. I wanted to be good words, life changing words – not just useless or thoughtless words. I wanted to push back at the proliferation of bad words and terrible messages that is creating damaged people and a numbed down, dumbed down society of people who can’t think for all the noise in their heads. The words in their heads. The wrong words.

We are all defined by words. Words on a report card scrawled by some tired and busy teacher in the middle of the night. Words whispered behind a hand to another about someone else – who they don’t even know. Words on a doctors reports that say “three months to live “- when that person may in fact recover. Words. They can be useful or useless but mostly – they are magical and powerful. They change minds. Use them carefully. Please and with very good manners.

Use them carefully when you describe yourself to yourself and when you describe your daughter or son to them. Don’t tell them they have a terrible singing voice or some other such nonsense.  All singing voices are beautiful. Be careful with your jokes. Watch that they are not hurtful and come from a place of true fun and humour. Because you could be hurting someone, leaving a scar on someones mind. Be careful with your words. I have my reminder to now – to be careful with my words. Because I haven’t always been, I just haven’t always been so careful with them.

The book is the Four Agreements by Don Mequel Ruiz. It describes the source of self limiting beliefs which prevent us from being free to do and become whatever we want. It was a good book to read at this beginning time. A timely reminder.

Who are you? And what as Cheryl Strayed asks “what do you plan to do with your one wild  and precious life?”

The video below is a further reminder to speak to ourselves carefully, to speak carefully to our body and those around us. The power of words is extraordinary to touch others lives, use them wisely.