Today’s post is late. A day late. I’ve been processing. I’ve also been travelling.
I am now typing this on my iPad in the early hours of the morning because I can’t sleep. The sound of crashing surf is keeping me alert long after the original impulse for a drink of water caused me to awaken.
What a wonderful sound to keep one awake. The breath of the ocean. I am deeply grateful.
I am also alone which means I am not annoying my husband by sitting in this vast bed tapping away happily at such an ungodly hour of the morning. As a writer (or a reader) this is bliss – free rein to follow the urges of a curious rambling mind.
Although I would love his company for the week and feel guilty for having this wonderful pleasure all to myself – right now and where I’m at with my life means this week may well be priceless both now and into the future- so for the events that have made it so – I am deeply grateful.
I had the company of my youngest son on the journey down. Pat has just finished his schooling career in the last week and has now embarked on the infamous “Schoolies Week” here in Australia.
He opted not to go to the highly popularised (and pressurised) Gold Coast party venue instead choosing the more laid back but less supervised Sunshine Coast.
As I type this he is 20 minutes away in a gorgeous beachside house with about ten other friends – all snoring no doubt. I won’t see him for the rest of the week unless there is an emergency however I feel better close by rather than several hours away should such a thing eventuate.
It is the last time I will stand guard albeit from a distance. After this he will have (hopefully) proved he can look after himself quite well,thankyouverymuchMum. But that is my reason for this trip.
And it was a great trip. The journey is about 6 hours from where we live to this beachside haven so a lot of time was spent talking. The time flew. Pat did most of the talking – I learnt so much about where he is at in his life and head right now and realised that I hadn’t really caught up with him since August when we did our last roadie together (a 48 hour marathon trip to North Qld) .
Traveling seems to break down all the barriers that normally can come between us. A lack of time, distraction, both of us being busy. I had been feeling the disconnect but didn’t quite know how to broach it. The miles and the journey did that for us today. We had great long rambling conversations and are once again connected. For that I’m deeply grateful.
Schoolies for Pat will be a juncture in his life which he will always remember. A week spent with mates, turning a corner, leaving his school boy self behind and stepping into the adult world. I’m proud of him and know he will make the transition smoothly.
For me, as a mother, I am also standing at a juncture which I will remember forever. This is my schoolies week as well. My leave taking from all those school things and my children’s childhood. My sons are now grown men. My relationship with them is still deep and loving but it is now different.
I am different. I have had a few days of melancholy. As Pat went through his final school days I quietly packed those years away as well.
Now I am excited, excited for what this new space will look like. Having time alone to process and think it through as a woman is an amazing opportunity.
My husband has not needed this time as his life hasn’t changed dramatically. Men are different. Or my man is anyway. As the male he was not the main care provider for our children, I was and like my mother before me I mainly carried out that role alone, my husband was busy elsewhere. Whilst he could have definitely used the break and a relaxing holiday right now. This is not his corner to turn, it is mine.
So this is my time though spending it solo was a surprise.
We were supposed to do this together however last minute work things interfered so I am alone and deeply grateful for it because now I see it will be a very special time for me that would have been altogether different if my husband had come along.
If we had been here as a couple, I may not have had time to think and process. Now I will.
If we only had more time as human beings to pause – to think and process – at our important junctures in life then there would be less depression and mental illness and more clarity of vision.
My mother did not have this moment and did not recognise the need for it either. I wonder if it would have made a difference down the track for her life if she had.
I believe a great deal of anxiety stems from the minds inability to look at its own self. We shove things away unwilling to process them out of grief or fear or some other uncomfortable emotion.
To have the time and space to be able to enquire honestly into our feelings and thoughts – and the courage to do so – is tantamount to living a beautifully curated life.
A beautiful curated life – doesn’t that sound wonderful?
And that is how I intend to live the rest of my life now – now that I have seen it spelt out just like that – in a beautifully curated way.
Which is why this particular corner, this particular moment is so important to me.
We are in charge of our lives. Very few people grasp this concept fully. They feel powerless, at the mercy of fate or some such other rubbish. No, we are in control, we are the authors, the artists, the drivers of our own lives.
You can create beautifully or clumsily.
Planning and vision is what makes all the difference. Which is why corners and conversations with yourself and your closest loved ones is so important. These things set us on the path to our destination, they choose our travelling companions and choose the places we stop at in between. These things are vital.
This is the great beauty of turning corners, they enable the view behind us to be obscured and we choose what we take forward as memories and companions on our journey.
The picture in the header was yesterday evening. A sunset. Today, it’s a brand new day here on the Coast – waking up to this? I’m deeply grateful.