My heart has a clock
And it ticks and it tocks
It grinds and whirrs, writing everything down in its heartful mind
At 2pm it beats one beat deep with grief, remembering visiting hours
At 3pm it beats fast as I feel I’ve forgotten something
just for a minute
Then I recall,
they are no longer small and an empty school bus runs past with a sigh in it
At 8.15pm no matter where I am, a yawn stretches its way right through me
At 4am I’m wide awake, writing in the dark with a cup of coffee
Half an hour later, I’m out the door and my heart is so eager it’s hopping
The sky is rinsed with apricot and that big muscle knocks against my chest wall as if trying to leap out of it
A little while later, its pace is choppy, I’m changing gears, the exertion of uphill behind me
Time is forgotten as the sun slowly rises spreading gold foil across my irises
And everything settles into the timeless ritual of a massive ball slowly spinning into the path of the sun
But even then, over the whistle of bitumen born tyres
Comes a click and clock
Like a gun being cocked
And an unsettling feeling drifts over me
Are we always destined to run at the sound of a starting gun beginning a new day?
*I read something interesting yesterday about anxiety in the mornings. Apparently many experience anxiety first thing in the morning, because that is the time when the body is full of cortisol – yes the same cortisol which is a stress chemical – fight or flight chemical.
Cortisol is exacerbated by caffeine and increases with exercise. So as a person who drinks two coffees and then goes for a run or other exercise in the morning, I am probably not helping myself. However, exercise also leads to a surge in dopamine and endorphins so perhaps I am.
My point is – for those, like me, who wake up already thinking a little anxiously about the day ahead – morning cortisol stores is the reason. And once I know the reason behind an issue, then I tend to be less affected.
So here’s to waking up and telling that little anxious voice to pipe down – it’s just a figment of cortisol and not real. Now go have an amazing day.