My heart has a clock

And it ticks and it tocks

It grinds and whirrs, writing everything down in its heartful mind

At 2pm it beats one beat deep with grief, remembering visiting hours

At 3pm it beats fast as I feel I’ve forgotten something

just for a minute

Then I recall,

they are no longer small and an empty school bus runs past with a sigh in it

At 8.15pm no matter where I am, a yawn stretches its way right through me

At 4am I’m wide awake, writing in the dark with a cup of coffee

Half an hour later, I’m out the door and my heart is so eager it’s hopping

The sky is rinsed with apricot and that big muscle knocks against my chest wall as if trying to leap out of it

A little while later, its pace is choppy, I’m changing gears, the exertion of uphill behind me

Time is forgotten as the sun slowly rises spreading gold foil across my irises

And everything settles into the timeless ritual of a massive ball slowly spinning into the path of the sun

But even then, over the whistle of bitumen born tyres

Comes a click and clock

Like a gun being cocked

And an unsettling feeling drifts over me

Are we always destined to run at the sound of a starting gun beginning a new day?

*I read something interesting yesterday about anxiety in the mornings. Apparently many experience anxiety first thing in the morning, because that is the time when the body is full of cortisol – yes the same cortisol which is a stress chemical – fight or flight chemical.

Cortisol is exacerbated by caffeine and increases with exercise. So as a person who drinks two coffees and then goes for a run or other exercise in the morning, I am probably not helping myself. However, exercise also leads to a surge in dopamine and endorphins so perhaps I am.

My point is – for those, like me, who wake up already thinking a little anxiously about the day ahead – morning cortisol stores is the reason. And once I know the reason behind an issue, then I tend to be less affected.

So here’s to waking up and telling that little anxious voice to pipe down – it’s just a figment of cortisol and not real. Now go have an amazing day.