The chewed nail of a problem
ripping into the quick
The pain brings me back to remember
problems cannot be solved by the same head
that created them
What the mind mulls over in anxiety
produces bile and acid
lead on the chest
heavy at best
To shift the focus
take the fingers away from the mouth
lift the eyes
and begin thinking what a solution
would look like
instead of staring at the barrel of a gun
that will not shift
until I do
When I have to hand control of something to another person, wait on another person, particularly when that person won’t converse directly with me
The thing is that we all have a hand in what we suffer, usually, it comes from holding our own (hand) on the hot surface of the mind
Anxiety, hyper focus. I know it is unhelpful at least and harmful at worst.
I’m better than I used to be but it is still a problem
I can stand aside from my suffering, watch it, see it spiral. It’s not that I feel it any less. I have walked around with a lead weight sitting on my chest for a month. Despite my calm exterior, my insides have a bleeper going off somewhere in a box buried at the back of a cupboard.
Government departments are shockingly hard to negotiate with
A piece of paper that I require is being held in the hands of other people who treat it as lightly as a child’s folded toy
It loops and crashes from person to person and I wondered today, as yet again it is tossed to another human
Is this my lesson?
Stupid question – of course it is
And I can stand there and recommend to myself very worthwhile commentary
Despite this advice, all good and sane, I feel like all I want to do is sit in a quiet room – wait until it is all over and the outcome that I need occurrs
Alas – this is not so – we live in a world that requires other pieces of us
So, this time I am going to try very hard to shift the gun barrel, that thing that I aim at myself
And look instead of at the problem
At the solution that I desire
Desire has a surprisingly poignant etymology for such a simple-seeming word. Borrowed in the 1200s from the Old French verb desirrer (meaning “to wish for”), it can be traced to the Latin word desiderare, which could mean “demand” or “express” but had a much prettier literal meaning: “to await what the stars will bring”. Obviously, this etymology is heavily steeped in astrology and the Romans’ beliefs that the heavens influenced all the happenings on Earth. More than wishing for something, they wished that the heavens would give them something. Anyway, desiderare is composed of two parts: the prefix de-, meaning “of” or “from”, and sidus, meaning “star” or “constellation”. De- just comes from a Proto-Indo-European word meaning “of” and sounding about the same, and sidus, most likely through Proto-Italic, comes from the Proto-Indo-European reconstruction sweyd, meaning “sweat”. It appears that desire to use the word desire has decreased throughout the ages: it was far more prevalent in seventeenth century English than today.
I await what the stars will bring.