Old habits
Cling like vines
Their furry tentacles curling
Pulling me back in time
To get somewhere new
Is not a roundabout route
Instead it is through
And in this
Lies the problem
I don’t get to change
Overnight
Wake up fresh and exactly as how I would like to appear
Instead it is a constant trudge through
Who I used to be
Sometimes
The tunnel I am digging collapses
On top of me
Procrastination
Avoidance
Urges and cravings
All of these things
Don’t simply disappear
Just because we bid them to leave
Becoming different
Takes a long time
And it is easier
If I simply accept that
And keep going anyway
*A lifetime of bad habits and behavioural patterns doesn’t disappear overnight
Just like weight – it took many years to develop
And will take some time for the unhealthy vibrations to leave the body and new improved ones to take their place
In the meantime we are in the no mans land of not quite here and not quite there
This is where many people (myself included) fall back into old habits and then in a week or so remember they are sick of the bad habit and try again
The mind in limbo is uncomfortable
It seeks the comfort of the old and familiar
It wants certainty above all else
And it will push for capitulation
All of this crap is very uncomfortable
I gave up smoking many times before I finally stuck to it – sometimes the gaps were a year long …I can’t tell you how frustrating it is to go back to a bad habit after a year without it, you feel such a failure! Now I hate the smell of cigarette smoke and wouldn’t consider touching such a toxic drug
I gave up drinking alcohol many times before I was able to stand in a group all drinking and not miss it – now I don’t even think about it – I love not drinking, there are so many benefits not the least of which is being free to drive whenever I want and not making an ass of myself
Well, due to alcohol – I still make an ass of myself at times but not because I have been drinking
I’ve been really hard on myself lately for things like procrastination and avoidance. I wasn’t treating these things like the habits that they were.
Yesterday I had one of those awful moments like where your child is having an absolute melt down because they want the damn chocolate or toy in the grocery store, and everyone is watching and you have to try and coax them up off the floor and out to the car
My inner child was a bit like that and I was standing there thinking “I am never going to win”
But of course you do and as with my own kids (though they rarely had a tantrum of that proportion) I just hauled it up, tossed it over my shoulder, had a bit of a chuckle and kept going
I woke up this morning realising, because I have thrown myself so far ahead in my life this year there are some patterns of behaviour that simply haven’t caught up
Suddenly it all made sense
Procrastination, avoidance, disorganisation – all these things are just as toxic and addictive as smoking or drinking
They are habits of buffering and we use them to give our brain some comfortable shoes to slip into
I can accept that I will still feel the pull to fall into distraction instead of work
Still feel the pull to let disorganisation encroach on my spaces
Still feel the pull of many things
But one day – like smoking and drinking I won’t even think about these things anymore
I’m currently in no mans land
I just have to keep going
So that is a big ramble but just wanted to share in case anyone else is feeling that sense of “I am never going to get any better at this, why am I my own worst enemy?” feeling.
You’re not failing, it’s just that you have run a little ahead of your old habits (which is great! Well done you) but until the new more desirable habits are ingrained you are going to be an easy target for your old ways of thinking and being:
Keep up the reinforcing and eventually you (and I) will be where we want to be – it could take a little while, you may slip up, go easy and be kind to yourself
Growth is possible and change is doable – the option to remain as you are is just that
Optional
Ridding ourselves of old habits do take time. Take heart! Relapses are quite common. As you say, just keep going.
Thanks Rosaliene and yes, keeping on keeping in.
Yep … 99 times fall down, 100 times get up. 🙂
Exactly.
Love this post Kate, this happens to me too, the line about one day you won’t even think about it, that is so comforting and true ❤️
We make it over the mountain eventually 😘
Kate this is so undeniably true. Plus it has arrived in my inbox for me to read today, a reminder “don’t be too hard on yourself”. Perfect timing!
It’s a common theme alright. We are so hard on ourselves about change when actually it’s one of the most difficult things for a human to do.