I’m drunk all the time – and the soberest I’ve ever been

Can you tone it down

Not

Be

So

Raw??

I’m sorry is my light shining in your face?

Well you better close your eyes

Look away

Because

No

I don’t cover up in armour anymore

It is heavy

And hot

It sticks to things that I’m not

And blocks my flow

Poetry leaves no places to hide

If you try and insert them

The words go awry

And the rhythm begins to jar

Quite perceptibly

So I could tone it down

Write in a little less of me

But then

I don’t see the point

Truth is a necessity

When writing

The process brings the writer into alignment with self

And the universe

Not necessarily the reader

So the purpose my friend could not be clearer

It is an unravelling

And unravelling rarely looks neat

*its been an uncomfortable time the last fortnight. Since I decided to join my poetry with Facebook

Do I tone it down because suddenly I’m sliding a plate of my poetry in front of people who actually know me and knowing I am a writer and a poet and actually reading my work is

Two different things

Confronting

For me at least.

I’m from a small rural town.

Different looks odd.

I’m far better at it then I used to be but I wouldn’t be human if my skin didn’t feel a little burnt sometimes

I’m walking along on my morning trail – a guy I know pulls up beside me in his Ute – we chat around and around – finally he asks if I’m okay.

You know with that “are you okay??” deep look

Oh it’s the poetry I think

“Of course mate” I laugh and wander on

People aren’t used to it but they’ll get used to it

Authenticity

No cover

I may as well have walked into the pub naked

I’m sure I would have received a more “normal” response then dropping my poetry on Facebook and offering a whole book of it for sale at the newsagents

But

Life goes on

I’m stronger and I have to say – losing all that civil armour feels good

Everyone is wild at heart – they just don’t let it show until the veneer of alcohol thins enough to deem it okay to dance and sing and yell I love you at 12pm

I’m drunk all the time

And the soberest I’ve ever been

It’s a good feeling

Brene is right you don’t get to courage without traversing vulnerability

And vulnerability is the only way to truth

Every morning before I post I have to ask myself – do I put the armour on and walk away or do I leave it on the hanger – all that weight and

Just be me

Hit post

Stay free

As you would imagine

It’s getting really easy to hit post

What makes you feel vulnerable

For me it’s

Writing and sharing

Walking into a party or event

Opening up and being authentic with people (I still like to reach for the cover of banality or humour)

Riding – there are a lot of things that can kill or badly injure a motorcyclist but my love of it keeps me doing it

So lastly.

It’s Saturday, my bike is full of fuel and I’m off for a ride.

Motorbike riding

Another lesson in vulnerability

You can read a few old posts I did on motorbike travels below – (just noticed the dates – that was 4 years ago! I’ve done plenty of trips since these but I take my bike and that way of travel a little for granted now, reading these old posts bought it all back – nice)

https://athousandbitsofpaper.com/2016/10/03/motorbike-keys-to-thanking-yourself-daily/

Or

https://athousandbitsofpaper.com/2017/07/12/opening-the-mind/

Or

https://athousandbitsofpaper.com/2017/01/30/three-crows/

Header picture is one of my inspirations Brene Brown.

14 thoughts on “I’m drunk all the time – and the soberest I’ve ever been

    • It is safer Rosaliene. It feels far more comfortable. As emotional and highly communicative beings it is probably a requirement of society that we sit down, shut up and fit in however the people that conform at the cost of their own creativity and loss of personal power become sick and weak because their life is built on fear of judgement and in avoiding (at all cost) the archetype of the pariah. I probably think a little too much though 😉

      Liked by 1 person

  1. Oh my goodness I love this :0) I’ve been told my entire life that I need to tone it down, my ex left me in public places with out a ride because he couldn’t handle it……..Turtles and zebras shouldn’t live together…….they are both lovely species though. CONGRATS ON 900 FOLLOWERS!
    The varicose veins on my legs make me feel vulnerable and my loud belly……I call him Chewbacca…there’s a client I clean for and she can hear him clear across her mansion…..she’ll call out “How’s Chewy today?” ……..Oh dear me! Enjoy your weekend, glad you are out for a ride!

    Liked by 2 people

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