I breathe salty air and try to calm the pressure that sits on my chest
Swollen heart hangs like ripe fruit trapped behind a rib cage I would gladly prise open just to set it free
Let it swirl high on the updraft like a sea eagle – I hear how they cry – that high keening sigh
Wild things know how to tell the world how they are feeling
My soul could return when it is settled once more
Instead I must set one foot after another
Holding love and melancholy in the same space
Full and sad and happy
Full and sad and happy
I try to remain detached and name each as it arises, unfortunately I cannot remain aloof
I am not the stoic type
Emotions flicker like lightening
One foot after another
Cracks in the pavement
Houses for sale
A neatly trimmed hedge
A distant sail
On a windy day. I wonder aloud how that captain is fairing
We both mutter useless words of trailed off of trailed off conversation
And then give up, we’re both feeling a bit off it
A cup of bitter black tea soothes my overly sweetened soul
Sun and clouds exist in the same sky
So can I, so can I
*A beautiful loving day. All together, with laughing and hugs so easy to gather when everyone is just here. All here together.
But then it’s over, they drive away, we walk to breakfast. Our roles shifted, tectonic plates lifted, parents, family for 48 hours – now we are simply a couple of older people again. Our sons travel home, we stay on. Shoulders bumping as we walk. Dry palms tangling like birds seeking solace, one in the other. Breathing through tight chests.
My Mother always cried as a family we left. I recall the tearing feeling well. Review mirror scenes. Empty arms waving goodbye. I’m glad I don’t do that. We walk to breakfast, my husband and I. Half hearted plans tossed about. Perhaps just the paper, a quiet Sunday together, heads obviously elsewhere. The downward run, feels downward. We’ll await that all important text “home”. And breathe properly again later.
It’s not that you want it to last forever. Or go backward. There are no futile wishes or regrets. Just that old inevitable happy sadness that exists when family comes together and then separates. Natural fluctuations of loving hearts and lifetimes that weave and knit both together and apart.