Am I frozen in your mind

encapsulated in a judgement you made about me

so long ago?

Pity the rock

kicked in the road

it hurts the passing toe

but is ignorant

of it’s own nature.

Pity the wall built a hundred years old

paint layered thick

thick, thick, thickly

over timber once so pretty

but mostly pity the person

who is so full of themselves

that they cannot see anyone around them

except the projections

that they, themselves

have invented.

I wrote about how frustrating it can be to feel stuck within someone else’s judgement, so yes, I get it, other people are hell at times. But we can use what we think, they think, about us by becoming more aware of who they are as people. And yet, that is just judgment, too. Except now it is us judging them.

Which is when we run into all our own unconscious biases.

I wrote about our innate and often unknown biases in the dangers of artificial intelligence.

Sorry about all the links, but it saves time going over things I’ve already thought about.

But how do we know something we don’t even know about ourselves? Even after quite a few insightful books and a fair bit of reflection?

By studying our reactions to the people we love most.

When we have a family member that we love, deeply, and we are worrying about some perceived “thing” that they are doing that seems harmful. Then what can we learn about ourselves from that? What about someone that has their fingers on every damn one of our buttons? Why are we so triggered?

Wherever there is a strong feeling, concern, anxiety, rage, resentment, love…

There is a something to be discovered. A rock to turn over. You may be surprised what comes crawling out.

I understand that in judging another, it is exactly as the Bible states; I am, therefore, also judged.

What I didn’t know, was that this can be a useful thing. Particularly if I am the one who is judging myself. Because who cares if someone else is doing it right? That is just them judging themselves.

Look, if this is all a bit much before breakfast (I publish blogposts early), then please feel free to go and scroll something lighter; I get it. As I write, it is 4 p.m. on a Sunday afternoon and my mind is turning itself inside out.

We can’t control others, and we shouldn’t even try. It’s patronising and wrong-hearted. Just plain wrong, really. We are observing from within our filters, our own experiences, our own biases and our own conditioning.

But we can use a concern or perception about another person or a situation they are experiencing to explore what we think about that situation or how they are handling it and then turn that around to us. Making us the subject of the judgement and figuring out what to do in the same situation. Judging, in other words, to judge ourselves.

We are the only people that we should try to control. We are the only person that we should and can change. And this is the only time that judging another, is actually useful and a good idea.

Worried about someone you perceive to have an addiction? Where are your own? What are you doing about it? Think someone handles people badly? How do you do it, Einstein? How have you made the same stupid mistakes that you think someone else is making. Are they fearful, where are you fearlful?

Life has changed since I began this method of judgment. I’ve found some embarrassingly obvious flaws in myself. It has been humbling and enlightening, and I am very grateful for the self-knowledge.

You can’t fix what you don’t know is broken. And a caveat to this post. I don’t think it is always something that we haven’t fixed within ourselves – sometimes, it is something we have confronted and overcome. I’m just saying that the perception of another is always a perception we hold about ourselves, past or present, to some degree.

Other people are complex individuals who deserve to be treated with that thought that we just don’t know, we just don’t know everything or perhaps even anything about them. But we can always hold firm the belief that if we are judging anyone, then we should immediately turn that lens on ourselves.

Humans are the only species that can do this (as far as we know), and the ability to do so has been misused throughout most of history. It has been used against others, creating tension and separation instead of as a catalyst for growth within ourselves and an opportunity to see ourselves mirrored in another. Which automatically infuses the relationship with compassion.

Have a great day – find something you hate about someone else and fix it. In yourself.

And no, I don’t always get this right and am often irritated, annoyed, triggered and judgemental of other people. But given some space and quiet, I try to use those emotions to come to some revelation about myself that I can improve. And sometimes that doesn’t work either. So I stop thinking so damn much and clean some floors or something more productive 😉 Life – it’s interesting that’s for sure.

Header Image: AI-generated artwork using “frozen in mirror” as the prompt. I cancelled the application last year as it was costing a fair amount and I wasn’t blogging, but it is so satisfying to write a blog post and generate a unique artwork to go with it that I think it is worth the monthly cost of retaining it. For now at least.