I awoke to the sound of a ding in the dark

My phone alerting me

To Coles points expiring

And two other fictitious scam warnings

An advertisement for an upcoming sale

I turn it over turn it down

Ah to be greeted by a glowing screen

A precursor to my internal morning scream

I don’t usually charge the thing by my bed

Because of the ways it infiltrates my head

And leaves me annoyed

Before the day has begun

I have a headache from dreams

that I don’t understand

I saw people I haven’t seen in ages

And my heart doesn’t know the difference

Between reality and dream

At 5am in the morning

So now I miss these missing loved ones

Like a fresh wound

And applying mental bandaids

doesn’t help the argument currently being waged internally

A requirement demanded of my heart

To be in two places at once

A funeral

And a concert that’s been booked with my sister for months

I’m torn

Worn

And either way

Wrong

As I sip coffee

Contemplate my reflections in the darkened windows that surround me

I see there are three images

All clad in pyjamas

Staring back

Good morning

We’re all here

The creator

The admin

And …whomever that last one is

Perhaps she is the real me

Kick her toe and she will yell

Softness and hell

I’m going to the concert

I decide

And here’s why

Because life is for the living

And I almost lost my sister

A few years ago

And as we sat

With chemo running through her veins

I remember how integral she felt that day

Like an arm

Or a leg

I didn’t know I could lose

And it scared me

So

Damn

Much

She lives hours away

We only see each other a few times a year

And a funeral for a man I didn’t really know

That would have seen me there

As a support family role

But not important

Noone needs me there

Or would miss me if I wasn’t

Well there is my decision I guess

Wait for the vote

The internal yes

That doesn’t come

Some battles are not easily won

No clear victor

And I’m

Still torn

Still worn

And not quite sure who is me

Being human is to be

Not one

But three

At the very least

And to keep having to make these infernal internal decisions

*so we make a decision and then stick to it I guess.

Do you know why I love running so much? Because it takes all of the stuff that builds up in my chest and then makes it puff and pant until it is free, and for awhile my chest is open and empty.

The above is a slice of an example of the indecision and pressure to do the right thing that we all experience.

I care for others feelings and probably put that care over my own wishes time and again – don’t we all? But today, I could feel that ball, the knot of ephemeral thoughts poured into emotion and also the compulsion to run, to set it free …which is when it came to me that motion really is the cure for an excess of emotion.

To walk, run, swim, move. We can “be still and know that I am” as it says in the bible but I find it more helpful to move in nature and it then it becomes abundantly clear. What is right or wrong.

My God is found in the motion, the awareness, nature and all around us. So if being still doesn’t work for you, I get it, it doesn’t really work for me either. Being still simply reiterates that I am. I would prefer to be .. moving.

Header photo and old one of mine – some cows we had in the yards. This was a special bunch, so quiet and gentle. We don’t have cows so much anymore, they break my heart when they’re sold.

A few others from that evening: