We don’t question the sun

I can feel the cords

Cables

Need to disable some of these lines in

Snip

Trimming the tree

Cut the dead branches away

Is this poetry?

Or

Is it just in my way.

I’m running down the road

With an indigo sky

Morning stars above

Asking why why why

Where has my poetry gone

And out of the dark

A whisper weaves through the grass

“You have become the poem”

It rolls through me

Like truth

Like victory

But still I’m weak

I don’t trust it

I interrogate internally

The answers are bleak

I

Don’t

Know

I think you might just be a fraud

It hurts

I run on

Sun breaches the horizon

Shafts hitting the leaves

Dust motes dawdling

Spinning

Clinging to cobwebs lit up in morning sparkles

Warmth hits my shoulders

The sun is there

Even though I can’t see it

It has my back

I can feel it

Golden fingers spreading into a hug

The sort that faith brings

Underpinning

Silly things

Logic steps in

It’s sunrise

So it’s the sun right?

Instant relief

From the sinking cold feeling

Of failure

That these dark cold thoughts sliding in my belly bring

The wave comes back bringing that idea

It is louder this time

Heard clearly over the sound of music in my ears

“I have become the poem”

Which means

All of this is mine

I don’t need to write

Even one more line

In my life

It is already mine

I

Have

Become

My

Life

Poetry – the reason I love it – is not because it is some words herded into a small piece of paper or screen

Which sound pretty

Poetry to me is something more encompassing

It is how I experience life

And to step into the poem

Is to step into my life

Take the wheel and drive

To live within beauty, truth, and this ongoing deep seated passion for my own experience within this amazing life

To become the poem as I understood it this morning

Is everything

It is like becoming one with the Tao

Cataclysmic lightening

Held in a velvet bag we carry around and keep misplacing

But look within

Exciting

Subtle

As common as a favourite shirt

Turned into a rag

But the pattern every time you find it – use it…

Reminds

Difficult to describe

And of course I fell out of it again as I pulled up to chat to a man that lost his dog and back into it and out of it again

But knowing

Is knowing

And once known

The map is less obscure

Sorry I have just tried to explain the colour of air

I’m finding it difficult and it’s probably not necessary anyway

Back to self doubt …

We don’t question the sun, the sky – the moon and its phases.

Yet when I’m not living my poem

I fall into questioning myself and these deep enquiries are necessary.

Self doubt and fear of failure are not pleasant but they are circular.

In order to get rid of them – every time they turn up like unwanted house guests – I find I have to get to the bottom of what is causing them to think they can just show up in the first place.

To confuse matters

They don’t always come as themselves either. They turn up with false identities.

Like anger

Like jealousy

Like defensiveness

And that awful feeling that creeps about my mind

I’m less than and may always be less than and may always be less than

I

Am

A

Hollow

Sham

So you walk around these unwanted guests, annoyed for a few days that this old crap is even getting to you and then suddenly boom

“Oh it’s you two again – righto I know how to deal with you clowns – pack your bags and off you go”

And so they leave

There are a couple of things I have found that allow these negative emotions to fester

Social media

Creativity wise – Instagram is fun. But some sorts of fun are like eating too much sugar. Highs and lows – draining.

What I’ve found is that I’m building this thing called “I am a writer” but I am writing less and less and even my poetry of late has become desultory.

It’s like being turned inside out and the things that actually matter

Have fallen out

You reach in your pocket to pay the price

And there’s a hole

All the money

Gone

Slipped away

So

Time to cut some cords (or at least severely trim) that are draining my energy sources

Thanks for listening

I will be back writing here – in July – but will still be catching up with you guys at least every few days so I can keep up to date with what everyone is doing.

11 thoughts on “We don’t question the sun

  1. My friend, I feel you deeply. And can relate to every.word.you.wrote. Cutting the cables, the empty pocket, the fear of failure, the false identity, the difficulty of understanding~and I long to feel the sun. After weeks of rain after rain, it alludes me. And I press on with faith. And I’ll be a silent encourager every day to you and your life-your living poem. You are written in my book of prayers. Take care of you. You are your writing and it’s beautiful. 💚

    Liked by 1 person

    • This is such a lovely thing to read on a Sunday when I’m really not sure what I’m doing with my writing – on one level I’m trying to quiet my mind (which doesn’t work well with writing as one needs to let it get loud enough to hear – on the other I just want to get back to normal) then again what is normal? I’ve had a constant phrase circling whenever I feel a pain somewhere or am I welcome emotion “don’t make a story out of it” which works instantly – in a couple of seconds whatever it was is gone – forgotten. It is the oddest thing.

      Liked by 1 person

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