Uncertainty

Is the crunch of tin foil on the fillings in my teeth

Yet I cannot spit

The only way is through

For now I must chew

On all these ineffable feelings

My skin wants to shrink

Instead it must expand

Giving way to all of this unnerving swell

Giving it room

Delivering myself

Unto myself

My only tools

The mind

And how well I do

As I walk through these feelings of impending doom

Lifting the wet blanket of my inner worrier

One corner

At a time

Changing the bed I used to lie in

Over and over

*Toppling personal belief systems is one thing – one damn difficult thing after another

I’ve never sat easily with uncertainty – have always sought reassurance – another persons advice on the matter

Then ignored it or found it not enough

The thing is

Other people’s advice

it is never enough because it is not certainty

And it is certainty that we crave when we ask advice or direction

Yet we rarely find it

Once we start to take great big steps forward out of the mind and into the real world which is full of chaos and changeability and humans and a thousand variables

Where people die in car smashes on the way to work with their heads still full of plans and their lunch beside them on the seat, a new diet commenced – this time they are getting healthy.

Oh the irony

And there are so many!

It’s all very well to hypothesise and listen to pod casts and read books

And say “I would..”

But when the chips are down and it’s decision time how many say firmly “I will..” and begin

Bravely

To take up the hands of uncertainty and chaos and make a commitment to not let go

No matter how hot and uncomfortable that grip becomes

I’m pleased to say

I’m now one

And give myself a little pat on the back

Header photo – A bookie and his bag captured at the local races. I loved this photo when I took it. The age of the bag – the stance of the man, this ancient tradition. Humans have been gambling a long time.

How do you know which way it will go – even with a favourite tipped in the race. Take punt and enjoy the ride – that’s all you can do.