Here within the parameters of me I walk
Unable to transform into anyone different
Here, with all the experiences which have brought me to who I am
Despite discarding as often as I become aware
Of self defeating habits and impulses
Here, is where all that was has delivered me to
Now going forward I cannot choose to untake this with me
I can only be cognisant of the heft and the weight of that which I choose to carry
Where from this thought, or that, originates
Keep meeting myself, catching myself and dwelling within myself, moving forward
For the sides of the two are finally met
The bandwidth is, as I always suspected
*What would you do if you were only answerable to yourself? Well, sometimes that self is the worst person to be answerable to, at least until we know who it truly is, who we are.
As often as we strive to discard and change pieces of ourselves, there is much that follows us through life
Many things are hidden, subconscious and barely legible to our brain, which reads between the lines and tries to instigate change
At some point we have to accept that there will always be length and breadth beneath the iceberg which remains hidden to us. It is just who we are and will stubbornly remain “undiscovered” and submerged
It doesn’t matter, let it go
I watched a person I knew, perhaps a millimeter of her surface, the other day. Watched her as a professional behave one way, and then in private another. It fascinated me, this dismantling and undoing of one facet of behaviour leading into another. How different she appeared, young and vulnerable in her capacity as merely human. Her professional undoing of strictures and ties, her laughter unfettered, becoming “normal” in front of my eyes.
I thought of all the professionals – the teachers, doctors, lawyers, accountants and more – that I had been intimidated by at times over the years. No longer. Although, I haven’t been beguiled by a title for awhile, having caught most wrong footed at one time or other, and found them to be unfortunately very normal.
When we need them, we want these sorts of professionals to be super human, but they are not. Anymore than we can be. We are all just humans wandering along a journey that we don’t even know the end point of.
What possible power could any one of us have over another? We all know different things and sometimes this is useful knowledge to access and share. But power? None.
We have only the power that dwells within, that is a substance that once found, can truly be relied upon.
I was talking to a dear friend. One of the closest to me, one I would say knows me at a depth of at least a metre. I was relating how I had recently realised that I had lost the voice of judgement that seems to always follow me around, commentating on whatever it is I am doing.
This was something that stemmed from within but described me, to myself, from without.
I never seemed to make it happy and peaceful in the past
Being without it is so freeing.
I don’t know if anyone else has that mechanism or would describe it so, but we all surely, have some measure of self reflection. Mine was just a little out of control. And whose fault was that? My own. What we give power to, in turn informs what has power over us.
Of course I have a conscience, Jiminy Cricket style, and pause for reflection, over how things may have gone for a certain issue, or meeting, or event, however, the harpy is silent.
I’ve done the self help/self improvement books. I’ve done the life coaching thing. I’ve done more than most of the tweaking and I have to say, I’m finally done with it all. Not the refining and the defining and the learning, but rather the judgement that there is something imperfect, something that needs changing and is lacking.
It’s difficult to describe as a process, until the process is done. The search for something intangible “out there” is gone.
My power has returned to reside within. Where it always should have been. It’s us that lets it out, to roam lost and lonely where it shouldn’t. Giving itself away to things and people who look like they deserve it – they don’t.
We do. And we are useless to anyone without it. That’s the irony of the whole thing. That we go looking for something and someone who and that, is already in existence within.
It reminds me of a motorbike trip, riding with my brother. I stopped on the side of the road to take a phone call and motioned him to keep going. Unbeknown to me, he pulled into a siding further up to go to the toilet. My phone call done, I resumed riding, trying to catch him up, but he was actually behind me on the road having taken his break and watched me go past. I kept going faster to try and catch him, he chased me from behind trying to catch up. Eventually of course he, with the more powerful bike, overtook me. He still laughs to recall the look of shock on my face as he went past. I did not expect that – I thought the story in my head was true. It was not.
A bit like how we are led to believe by the world that we are lacking something and should chase this ephemeral thing, all the while it is perfectly formed within, if we could only recognise its outline and feel the force of rightness that we all truly are.
Anyway, I’m not sure I have successfully described anything, or if any of it matters
All power to you today – may it dwell in your chest, curled like the powerful dragon it is, and you are. There is no need to go chasing down the road faster and faster. You’ve already caught you, and here you are.
Header photo courtesy SAM sokkilmony Unsplash