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Clear as

Aside Kate@athousandbitsofpaper16 Comments

Crystal star

Light to prism

Rainbow shard

A reaction based on direction

An inanimate projection

a dumb perception

Of reality right now

I watch my thoughts

bouncing off my brain

The totality of a seconds computation

Of who I am

In this skin today

In this moment.

Not really

Not that either

I am so much more

than this one thought

the cluster just like it

that it brings to the fore

I am not this

or that.

And so much less.

A refraction of light

fight or flight

hormonal

chemical?

There is no “one truth“

Except reality.

Birds flying

their shadows falling at my feet

Peace humms at last

the end of striving

for a path

I am complete

as you are.

*Am I me? Your perception of me, of yourself? the filters that we apply to our inner thought processes are truly boggling. I’ve tried to iron them out flat. But they keep springing up. I was listening to a podcast about socialisation and expectations and how we grow up with so many moulds and ideas that we just go along with. Judge ourselves and others by.

Pointless

Fruitless

Useless

Lies

Being human is a complex interweb of who we were, who our parents were, how we grew up, what we ingested, consumed. And still do.

We are infested with so many filters, thoughts and points of view that our brains cannot be trusted. I may as well use my decor to process my daily life – it holds as much personality for sure.

People die in the middle of lives that have been nothing but the pursuit of hard earned money. Society deems this a worthy way to spend our time here.

Reality: I have heard of two men that I know just passed middle age, dropping dead unexpectedly in the last few days.

But was it unexpected? Really? Death is more certain than most things, although it’s not a nice thing to think about, so we forget it.

Like all the other things we conveniently prefer not to think about.

What is all the striving and stress for?

Meanwhile despite waking up every morning with an unshakeable feeling of dread that I am never entirely free from, I take myself walking first and foremost, and I notice as much as possible. Greedily sucking reality into my brain and whispering to myself.

“This is the only truth that you can count on”

And for a little while it calms me. But that dread never goes away, it just climbs into the backseat and by the time I am sat before my computer it is there again.

“Hello dread.” I say.

And then I begin the other part of my day.

Which is why when people say that the people who make art have too much time on their hands, or aren’t really contributing or whatever other rubbish people say about all the things they know nothing about …

I would like to say, if I didn’t make art and walk in nature first thing every morning, I wouldn’t get out of bed at all. Because the rest of it at the moment, just seems like a movie that someone else is watching.

16 thoughts on “Clear as”

  1. Wait. . . I think I do use my decor to process my daily life. Is that wrong? 🤣 I’m only partially joking. I’m not sure “Would this go with my stuff?” is the worst criterion for whether something should be a part of your experience.

    Oh, man, Kate, I love this piece!! So incisive. (And I’m becoming a huge fan of how you personify your emotions: “it just climbs into the backseat.” I see the feelings as little animals, a bit impish.) I also really dig how you seemlessly interweave poetry and narrative. It makes the poetry seem less like a butterfly on a pin and more like one living, flitting past me in a sunbeam. And this: “the rest of it at the moment, just seems like a movie that someone else is watching.” Holy crap, yes! Love it!

    You might like my poem “Bread and Roses”: https://camillawellspaynter.wordpress.com/2024/03/29/bread-and-roses/ and possibly the short piece “Seeking Soulsong”: https://camillawellspaynter.wordpress.com/2024/05/12/seeking-soulsong/ ?

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    • Aha, thanks Camilla, your comment is every reason that I share in a neat nutshell. One of the Popes said “we are all human beings, unique and unrepeatable” to which I would add – “yep, we are all the same sort of different” and when I write something that stems from me, like a bee, it finds another flower. 🌷love when things resonate, I found the same in your writing when I tracked you down 😊

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  5. so much to ponder here Kate which is so relatable, Kate💕 “I would like to say, if I didn’t make art and walk in nature first thing every morning, I wouldn’t get out of bed at all. Because the rest of it at the moment, just seems like a movie that someone else is watching.

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