Past bothering

You sit across from me

There are two here

and another one just there

But they don’t hear

you ask

“what is it you eat?”

with that half bored expression

of not really being interested in your own

question

And I blink

Start to think

Come – with – me

No I don’t want to go there

I am walking the dog

on this beautiful morning

Come – with – me

No I am in the kitchen

Bitching

quietly to myself

about nothing to eat

and the need to go shopping

Come – with – me

Oh alright

and I walk

To my desk

to write

Come – with – me

and I  follow you

My heart is already beating

I’ve been here before

going deep

deep

deep

down a hole

No!

I don’t want to do this today

I’ve changed my mind

I’m walking away

Come – with – me

hear them bellow

stamping

eyes rolling

the truck rocking

as they look at me

and stand

to be carted

the meat on the wagon

to markets

and slaughterhouses

yet to me they are animals

scared

if anyone cared

to look

Come – with – me

No – I’ve got this sorted

I don’t need to watch this I’ve been here before

Come – with – me

No

But we are there and you turn my averted eyes

to their stricken cries

and I feel their pain

writhe with it

until my stomach is in knots and I don’t want to

cannot

look anymore

I’m going home

Your palm is warm

blood pumps from yours to mine

and back again

Come  – with – me

Oh nooooo I don’t think so

Think I’ll just drink some coffee

forget about all this

 

Don’t worry I’ll make it almond milk

Oh shit

For we are here and I don’t want to see it

I am plunged into a world

Of sight sounds and smell

that breaks my heart

hers

her raped body

his kicked soul

her broken bones

broken homes

bombed cities

suffering

The ocean

The skies

The land

The cries

of people and animals

All suffering

Dante’s inferno and the

seven

rings

of hell

descending

never ending

yet it does

Then

Suddenly everything clears

no weather patterns drifting feelings

Trailing

dragging

dreamings

across my soul

An end to

emotional turmoil

down here

I am deep inside

my own mind

it is peaceful

here

and kind

of

homey

I thought I was dropping into hell

Limbo

Lust

Greed

Avarice

Pride

Heresy

Treachery

and all the rest of Virgil’s nine

but it was just

through it

to get to

my

own

mind

My original

Universal

and yours

of course

mind

And I’m home again

Back at the start

I fell

but I fell into my heart

So I walk

Through the trees

towards the light

and here it is

comforting

safe

eternal

I am both born

and dead

and living

at the same time

time doesn’t matter

anymore

for here we are

where we’ve always been

and everything else

is just a dream

And I blink

And I blink again

“Oh you know – plants and stuff”

“Where do you get your protein?” you ask

And my social mask

is back in place

A self deprecating smile upon my face

I shrug

Blow it off

None of this stuff

bothers me anymore

 

Apologies I have had to edit this post to quantify something. 

Social Mask: I strive to never be less than authentic and don’t mean to say that I wear a mask but the thing is that when we are in public we have to cover up some of who we are. Because otherwise we would be walking around talking gibberish and crying all the time or laughing ridiculously loudly or…

You catch my drift? We all do it, we follow social norms in order to do the grocery shopping and have a cup of coffee without falling down the rabbit hole of our own minds and dragging innocent people down there with us 🙂

With certain friends and some family I talk freely and deeply but even then – even then we have to cover parts of ourselves in order to not be soooooo open.

What I love about blogging and especially in this personal style is that we don’t have to cover up. We can be exactly who we are and in fact if we do start to cover up then people can feel it and they don’t really connect.

People are amazing. I am beginning to understand that we are truly limitless. I look at someone these days and think “I really have no idea who you are” and that intrigues me. What do they really think? Who are they when they let themselves be who they really are? Who could they become if they tried? Who could I?

Limitless.

Intoxicating.

 

 

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