I was not depressed

I was exhausted

And furious

I was not depressed

I was ineffably sad and defeated

I was not depressed

I was lacking in vitality and direction

I was not depressed

I was grasping for answers into my own mortality and reason for being

I was not depressed

I was deeply fearful that my recidivism would extend for eternity

And I would have to live in an eternally circular pattern

Where I thought I was growing

But in fact I was not

Because again and again I returned to the fundamental underpinnings of my very nature

And found myself lacking

But I was not depressed

And I am not

Depressed

*anyone who thinks and reflects and aspires to be a better human being will from time to time come across the reality that we are fooling ourselves

But that is not a reason to cease to try and move into a deeper understanding of the motivations and inclinations of our soul

We are not supposed to change first

We are supposed to understand

First

Once your understand and love and accept the way you are

Change occurs naturally in the direction of a more advanced and mature soul

Most of us just have it backwards – and even now I probably do

The point is the journey – because that is all we ever have – by the time we reach the end, we are dead

And then – as some believe, the soul throws itself forward only to try

To strive

To evolve – not again

But further